Columnist John Moore has a book on communication his wife bought him in the early 90s. He intends to read it soon.

In the early 90s, there was a self-help, relationship book called, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.” The goal of publishing this was for the author to show how differently men and women communicate.

Anyone who grew up in the South doesn’t need a book for this.

Now, technically, men and women are both speaking English. But if you’ve ever sat in a kitchen in East Texas or in Ashdown, Arkansas, and listened to a husband and wife discuss curtains, directions, or supper plans, you realize one side is communicating while the other side is simply trying not to get blamed for something.

Southern women notice everything. Southern men notice if something is on fire.

A Southern husband walks into Lowe’s and says, “We need white paint.”

His wife replies, “No, not white. Antique pearl linen.”

He wonders why somebody invented fourteen shades of eggshell.

To men, there are only about seven colors total. Red, blue, green, yellow, black, white, and truck primer.

Southern women also know every emotional event affecting every child in the family.

They know which child cried after prom, which one got their feelings hurt in third grade, and which one is “going through something right now.”

Men are vaguely aware that several smaller humans live in the house.

A Southern father can usually identify his children correctly if they are standing still and wearing a baseball cap with their school name on it.

Mothers know allergies, shoe sizes, favorite foods, best friends, and dating history.

Fathers know one child “plays an instrument or something.”

Women also remember conversations with terrifying accuracy.

Not just the topic.

The exact date.

The weather.

What shirt you were wearing.

And the tone of voice.

The husband claims, “I never said that.”

His wife answers immediately: “Tuesday after supper, while unloading groceries from the GMC, you said, ‘I guess that’s fine,’ and you rolled your eyes afterward.”

Southern men don’t remember conversations. They remember fragments.

One wife asked, “Did you hear anything I just said?”

Her husband replied, “Sure did.”

She asked, “What did I say?”

He answered, “You were talking about… somebody.”

Then there are directions.

Southern women provide directions using landmarks and family history.

“Turn where the old Piggly Wiggly used to be before it burned in 1987. Pass Aunt Trudy’s first house, not the double-wide she moved into after the divorce, and if you get to the fireworks stand, you’ve gone too far.”

Southern men give directions like military commanders.

“Go north.”

Women also understand decorative towels.

Men do not.

A Southern woman may have towels for guests, towels for decoration, and towels nobody is allowed to touch under any circumstances.

Men believe towels exist because people occasionally get wet.

That misunderstanding alone has caused more tension than SEC football rivalries.

Women notice when furniture has moved two inches.

Men can miss an entire kitchen remodel for six months.

Wife: “Did you notice anything different?”

Husband: Looks around nervously like a hostage negotiator.

“You got a haircut?”

Wrong.

Always wrong.

Southern women also possess supernatural hearing.

They can hear a child whisper “stupid” from three rooms away while vacuuming.

A husband can stand beside a chirping smoke detector for three weeks without noticing a thing. “Has that battery been beeping long?”

She answers, “It’s been doing that since Easter.”

Another communication problem involves the word “nothing.”

When a Southern woman says “nothing,” she absolutely does not mean, “nothing.”

She means there is definitely something wrong, but you are now expected to figure it out yourself.

Most Southern men fail this test instantly.

Husband: “What’s wrong?”

Wife: “Nothing.”

The husband smiles with relief like he had just escaped a tornado.

Three hours later he was sleeping under a quilt his grandmother made in 1972 wondering what happened.

But somehow, Southern couples make it work.

Maybe Southern women understand men better than men understand themselves.

And maybe Southern men provide balance by not over-thinking everything.

If Southern women ran the whole world, every pillow would match, every casserole dish would have a lid, and every child would feel emotionally supported.

If Southern men ran it alone, somebody would repair a lawn mower with duct tape and a butter knife while asking if leftover catfish was still safe after sitting in the truck all afternoon.

Together, though, it somehow evens out.

That’s probably why Southern marriages last.

One side remembers the location of a dusty book from the early 90s.

The other side remembers where the jumper cables are.

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By John Moore | TheCountryWriter.com